Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
