I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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