Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I believe in your delicious
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
