Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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