Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
