My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
