I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
