Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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