went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
