im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize