Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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