I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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