you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
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I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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