I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
