the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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