if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
