Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i drank out of a bidet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
