Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
