I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
