It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
