Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Randomize
