i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
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They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
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I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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