I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
