Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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