I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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