I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
