Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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