It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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