There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
