the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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