can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
