so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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