I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
