I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
