ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
