Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
