If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
