i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
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she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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