girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
