I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
