Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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