he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
