Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
