Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
