508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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