Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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