woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
how drunk are you?
Several
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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