How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
