There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
