I'm laying in your front yard are you home
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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