My sheets look like a crime scene.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i've created a new STD.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
