My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
