Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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